Identifying the cause of stress. Where to start?
Needless to say, the first step in revealing and alleviating the havoc that stress can wreak on our lives is, without a doubt, looking for the root cause(s). Sounds obvious, yes. What is surprising is how seldom we embark on that journey.
Most of the time, we prefer to deny it, cover it up, and appease its uncomfortable symptoms with various mind-diluting and sensory-dulling activities: Netflix bingeing, social media immersion, tobacco, alcohol, and, very often, food. In other words, we eat our stress.
However, it can also happen that we say to ourselves: "That's enough! I cannot bear it any longer!", and we make the healthy decision to take a good look at our current situation in order to find a solution.
Bold move! And kudos to you if this is one of your New Year's resolutions!
Seeking the root cause of stress is like paddling upstream
Okay, the decision's made. Now what?
I like using the following analogy to visualize the situation:
Seated in a small boat, we find ourselves rowing with all our strength upriver, with the initial unshakable determination to find the true cause of all our distress.
Our mind is the ferryman, willing to pursue answers.
The river, the flow of our daily life at any given time.
Rowing counter-current, a metaphor for the over-exertion involved in investigating our lives, our circumstances and our psyche to find answers. An exhausting task that does not invite us to embark on the journey, right?
Well, imagine for a moment that…
… the boat is made of old wood or that its wooden planks have not been properly assembled or sealed.
To the overstrain that goes with rowing against the tide, you have to add the necessity of periodically bailing out the water, while cursing the person in charge of the maintenance of the boat for not doing his job properly...
Now here is where we “hit bone”...
What if I tell you that the boat is nothing but our body, and we (the boatman) are entirely responsible for its maintenance?
Ouch!...
Essential cornerstones to manage stress
The upkeep of our boat depends on FOUR NON-NEGOTIABLE PILLARS we continuously haggle with, treating ourselves like a merchant in a bazaar:
1. NUTRITION
☀ “Next Monday, I start taking care of myself.”
☀ "After the weekend, I stop… (fill the blanks)"
2.
SLEEP
☀ "When I deliver this project, I'm going to get more sleep..."
☀ "When my son grows up, I'll sleep better..."
3.
BREATHING
☀ "Next week, I'm signing up for a mindfulness class.”
☀ "Next month, I will start that conscious breathing workshop I've been putting off for five months..."
4. exercise
☀ “As soon as I finish this report, I'm going back to the gym four times a week (Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!)”
It is in our hands to decide whether the energy available for rowing upstream is devoted solely to that task, or whether we continue to divide our attention by bailing out water with one hand and rowing against the current with the other.
The invitation seems as evident as it is difficult to implement, doesn't it?
So...
Why is it so hard for us to be centered in our bodies?
Because, in most cases, we identify ourselves with the boatman (our mind) but not with the boat, and we treat our body as if it were something external to us that we can put off, waiting for a better moment. A moment that, by the way, never seems to come.
In short, we turn the spotlight away from us. We point to those circumstances beyond our reach: job, ongoing projects, children, partners, that boss, the strained economic situation of the moment…or a good combination of some of them, and we use them as an excuse for not focusing on our most essential needs: the ones coming from our body.
And this is where our mind (our boatman) is misguided:
As long as we do not turn our attention to balancing these four essential pillars first, any attempt to achieve our goals (whatever they are) will likely fail, sooner or later.
In fact, sooner than later.
Is it a matter of willpower or feebleness?
NO. Categorically not.
Strength of character or willpower have little to say when our most essential needs are permanently challenged or neglected.
Therefore, let’s stop beating ourselves up with our “mental whip” every time we fail in our endeavors, and let’s accept that it is unsustainable to paddle upstream with one hand and pull out water with the other.
At this point, there are two options:
WE GET TIRED AND STOP PADDLING:
We drop our firm resolutions into the "drawer of the abandoned good wishes" and go back to the same old habits. "Uncomfortable but familiar," we will say to ourselves, feeling the weight of frustration hanging on us.
2. WE STAND FIRM ON DRY LAND FOR A REASONABLE TIME
We honestly check the status of our boat (nutrition, sleep, breathing and exercise), and decide to repair it and keep it insulated and dry.
Then, only then, we will be able to embark again on the upstream quest to find the root causes of our stress and to put in place a solution that is sustainable over time.
Then, only then, we will be able to stop eating our stress.
At what point in your personal journey do you find yourself? What are your "non-negotiables"?
I invite you to give yourself a moment today, favorite drink in hand, to reflect on these questions.
You deserve that moment... and if you think you don't have time for this now, believe me: You deserve this moment even more.
If you feel that it is time to stop negotiating with yourself and with your life, and not to abandon (for yet another year) your good intentions, I invite you to start by setting up a “non-negotiable condition” within each pillar.
A tiny step, no matter how trivial it may seem. A limit you promise not to exceed, come what may.
"My sleep is non-negotiable; therefore, I will stop (...) one hour before I go to sleep."
"My 15-minute walk every day is non-negotiable, and for that I will get off the bus at the previous stop..."
"My determination to eat cleaner is non-negotiable. I'm going to look for healthy alternatives to my mid-afternoon cookies.”
"My health is non-negotiable. I'm going to ask for help to deal with my lack of energy..."
"My three-minutes of deep breaths are non-negotiable. I'll do it right after I get out of bed..."
... (fill in the space) ...
Changing gears and focusing on our body’s basic needs may require a lot of awareness and energy, especially at the beginning. I will not fool you. However, I can assure you it will definitely pay off.
I also encourage you to raise your hand and ask for help when you see that you only get to a certain point, or that you end up "rowing in circles," again and again. We've all been there. Asking for help is a courageous and honest act that only a few dare to undertake, but it will save you a lot of time and energy, while bringing a lot of satisfaction and gratitude in the end.
As for me, I will be sharing with you in this space several tools (many of them "edible" 😉) to help you keep "your boat" in perfect shape, and to explore and overcome the causes of your stress without ending up eating it.
As for you, are you willing to make this 2020 a year full of healthy and sustainable choices? I would love to hear about your "non-negotiable" through your comments in this post 😊.
A wholehearted hug.
Teresa M.
Photo credits: Love Neora, Zoltan Tasi, Lucy Turner, Tracey Hocking, Fuu J, and Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash.